Navigating challenging conversations is one of the toughest aspects of being a leader.
In fact, the ability to do this well is perhaps what differentiates real leaders from mere managers.
Interestingly, research by Bravely, suggests that up to 70% of managers actively avoid having difficult discussions for a variety of reasons.
These include:
- Concern about mishandling the situation
- Fear of making matters worse
- Feeling bad for the other person
However, avoidance only works for so long and at some point, the conversation needs to happen.
And that’s where things can get tricky.
Perhaps, the issue in question has festered for a while, making positive outcomes harder to achieve.
Or the conversation feels rushed because it’s now taking place at the wrong time, in the wrong space, and without adequate warning or proper preparation.
Either way, avoiding challenging conversations often creates bigger problems further down the track.
So, if avoidance is not an option, how should we handle these conversations better?
Types of Challenging Conversations
Challenging conversations have one or more of these three components:
- Tough topic
- Difficult situation
- Emotional reactivity
Tough topics include giving negative feedback, raising grievances, conducting performance appraisals, or simply saying no.
When the subject matter is challenging, we often worry that we won’t have the skills, training, or experience to conduct the conversation well.
Examples of difficult situations are pushing back against our bosses, calling out bias or unfair treatment, or even simply making our voices heard in unfamiliar surroundings or high-stakes meetings.
When we find ourselves speaking to large audiences or managing upwards, we might lack the confidence to speak up at the right moment or to find the right words to make our point.
Emotional reactivity comes into play when we interact with people who are prone to becoming angry, defensive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, emotional, silent, or withdrawn.
We’re all human and can feel awkward or embarrassed in certain circumstances where we must have challenging conversations.
And depending on the importance or the closeness of our relationship, we might worry about the consequences of getting the conversation wrong.
- What if we or the person we are speaking with gets upset or annoyed?
- What might be the consequences of these emotionally charged conversations backfiring?
So, how do we deal with these three distinct types of challenging conversations?
Challenging Conversations Around Tough Topics
When we’re tasked with discussing tough topics, it is advisable to schedule these in advance, allowing adequate time to prepare.
Gather all the information needed, consider the other person’s perspective, and think about how to achieve the best outcome in the circumstances.
If you are imparting unwelcome news such as risk of redundancy, it is vital to handle this sensitively and compassionately.
However, this must be balanced with objectivity and realism. Prevaricating and sugar coating have no place in these types of conversations.
In fact, prolonging the agony or pretending that the situation is better than it actually is only serves to make the conversation tougher.
Start with a clear and compassionate statement that sets out the issue at hand and sets the tone for a serious and respectful dialogue. Listen attentively and demonstrate empathy for the emotional impact that the conversation may be having.
Avoid making promises that you can’t keep or blaming others for the current circumstances.
Wherever possible, seek input that allows you to reach acceptance and agreement on the next steps so that you can both move beyond this conversation.
Challenging Conversations Around Difficult Situations
The key to successfully navigating these types of conversations is to think about how to manage the environment.
If you are planning to raise a difficult issue with your boss, you’d be well advised to do this in private. When you have something important to say, be clear, courteous, and concise.
When you feel the need to speak in an unfamiliar environment, such as when asking a question or making a statement from the conference floor, make sure that your intervention is appropriate and others can hear you.
Finally, it might be better not to engage directly in front of others with a person who has made remarks that you may consider offensive.
If possible, arrange to talk one to one without accusation and you might find that the perceived sleight was not intended, and you may even be able to help that person to speak more sensitively or in a more balanced manner in future.
Emotionally Charged Conversations
We all must deal with ‘difficult people’.
Sometimes just the thought of having a conversation is enough to get our adrenaline pumping and trigger our emotional defences.
So, how do we have a constructive conversation in such circumstances?
One strategy is to depersonalise the conversation. Stick to facts, points of consensus, and use inclusive language. For example, ‘We have an issue. We need to solve this together. Let’s figure out how to move forward on this’.
If you need to focus on the other person’s behaviours, then it is wise to be specific and to switch from ‘you language’ to ‘I language’. For example, saying “I’ve noticed some missed meetings’ rather than ‘you can’t be bothered to turn up for meetings’.
Of course, there are times when it is difficult to keep emotions in check. For example, when the person you are speaking with is disrespectful or refuses to engage. Or when things start to get a little heated.
In these circumstances, it is best to de-escalate. Take a break. Reset and resume – sometimes on another day.
Conclusion
Most managers avoid challenging conversations.
As a result, issues remain unresolved, small problems grow into bigger problems. People lose confidence in leadership with the risk that they become disengaged and demotivated.
By contrast, when we as leaders grasp the nettle and seek to resolve issues without delay, take tough decisions where necessary, and remain calm and respectful in the face of emotionally charged atmospheres, the payoff in terms of trust, collaboration and improved performance is striking.
In my career and in my coaching, I’ve observed repeatedly that the leaders who are willing to engage in difficult conversations with preparation, curiosity and care are the ones who build stronger relationships, more resilient teams, and greater levels of trust.
Avoidance might feel easier in the moment, but it erodes psychological safety and damages performance and morale over the longer term.
In summary, the steps to navigating difficult conversations are:
- Do not avoid the issue
- Prepare in advance
- Start well
- Listen empathetically
- Consider other people’s points of view
- Balance clarity with compassion
- Manage emotions
- Focus on the future and the desired outcome
- Take a break, reset and resume as necessary
